Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Life skills fail.

I just want to get this off my chest.

I’m a talkative person. Ask anyone who knows me, they’ll confirm it. It’s not something I can change about myself – on the occasions when I try, everyone thinks there’s something wrong because I’m not my usual, cheerful, chatty self.

This is not something I’m proud of, in fact it’s something I seriously dislike about myself. Maybe it’s because I was the baby of the family? Constantly trying to get the attention of my big brothers, whom I idolized? I dunno, I got plenty of attention, I’m just thinking via the keyboard here.

I also take everything personally. Everything. If someone, for example, hates the movie I just told them I love, I know rationally it’s just a difference of opinion, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like they’re personally attacking me.

Add the taking things personally to the chattiness and you get a girl who doesn’t like to be stifled. Seriously, the worst thing you can say to me is ‘shut up’ – there are nicer ways to say the same thing, but that particular phrase makes me incredibly upset. Maybe I heard it from the aforementioned brothers in my youth? Can’t recall, again just thinking.

I also empathize with people a lot. I mean, a lot. Cry at sad movies, wear a goofy grin when watching silly movies, it’s all out in the open there and it all affects me directly.

Okay, so combine all of these things.

Tonight at darts we played a team we’ve played many times before, a pretty laid-back bunch who are jovial and chatty and we all get along. So I’m chalking a singles game, and chatting a bit with the two players – not a mile a minute, and not making huge distracting movements, and not talking to them while they’re actually throwing. Adding up scores, asking them to check my math, you know. Commiserating with them about unfortunate throws.

The player for the other team has been smiling the entire time, and saying ‘thank you’ when I say things like ‘oh, that’s unfortunate’ when he just misses a double he needs (which is something I do for the other player as well, it’s not just this guy). Then it turns out he’s actually quite angry and thinks I’ve been distracting him. He doesn’t blow up or anything though, it’s all very calm and just sort of comes out, he has it out (calmly and smilingly) with the other player (who even comments to him that we can’t tell he’s upset because he’s been smiling, we thought he was joking around with us like we’ve been doing). Of course, whatever, if I’m too distracting I’ll stop chatting, no problem, and told him so, as does the other player, and they continue the game and I only speak to confirm scores. At the end of the game he apologizes and I say no no no, I’m sorry, of course different people find different things distracting, it’s totally fine.

Done, right?

Well, it should be done. Except I’m really angry about this. I’m feeling persecuted. (Who’s persecuting me? No one, I’m sure – I’m just taking it hugely personally.) I mean, this was a couple of hours ago and it’s still churning around in my stomach.

I’m also thinking that these things wouldn’t happen if I didn’t have such a big mouth and would shut up every once in a while.

What the hell’s wrong with me?

2 comments:

  1. Aww, Koshka, nothing's wrong with you. We've all been there - and in face I could tell you several similar tales. I, too, am a youngest child and used to attention, but sometimes it feels like I attract negative attention and I end up blaming myself for it. Rationally, though, most things we can't control, try as we might, even, and perhaps especially, when a person who is annoyed is masking it with a smile - you're not psychic and it sounds like you were just being your regular wonderful self that night. That guy probably had other issues going on and took it out on you. I'd be kinda pissed off about that too!

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  2. Dude, you're playing a social game in a social setting...what's wrong with HIM?

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