Thursday, February 02, 2012

To be or not to be

I wasn't going to post this, I really just had a bad day and wanted to vent, but Jennskoot told me I should just do it. So here it is.

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I don't have a very thick skin. You would think I would have developed one as a child, worshipping two older brothers who loved to tease me on a daily basis. But it never happened, it just hurt more every time.

I'm a different sort of person, me. 'Eclectic' is a nicer way to say 'strange,' but both fit the bill. Sometimes I say things that pop into my head when I'd be better advised not to. I'm a 'loud laugher,' as was pointed out to me yet again this week. I talk too much. I have entire conversations in tv/movie dialogue. I tend not to notice when I raise my voice (slight hearing damage?). Sometimes everyday words will completely escape me in the middle of a sentence, so my topic of conversation will trail off while I try to figure out just what my point was. I've always been an individual, but I must admit that I have often wished I could be like everyone else.

Problem is, being like everyone else means making someone else feel like this, in the end, doesn't it?

I've spent 42 years being poked and prodded by schoolyard bullies and friends who think they're just joking around, and it hurts both ways. It has never gotten easier. And yet, I keep putting myself in the same situation, day after day. I keep coming back for more punishment. On the outside I laugh it off, but inside I die a little every time, my self-esteem erodes just a bit farther. And I sometimes catch myself (too late, of course) responding with something hurtful when I know my friends' teasing isn't meant to be nasty.

If I could just change myself to be the person who does everything right, surely that would solve all of my problems - but then who would I be?

I know I have some amazing friends, I am happy for them every day - they don't realize that what they say cuts so deeply. And, surely, the answer is to just 'suck it up'?

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Carry on, nothing to see here.

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