On being female at a bar

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This Japanese Life

So lastnight at darts we played a team of lovely people we always enjoy (they take way too long smoking between games, but that's a minor thing). We were at their pub.

There was a rather obnoxious drunkard at the bar who kept throwing coasters at us while we were playing - he was throwing them specifically at one of the other team's players and obviously thought he was being cute. I'd had enough and shouted across the bar at him to cut it out, he took offense and shouted he wasn't throwing them at me, I replied that I didn't care and would appreciate it if he'd just stop.

I spent the rest of the evening having to hear him attempting to apologize to me, buy me drinks, he came over and kissed me (on the cheek, still gross) at which point one of my teammates got very upset with him - and I told her no, it's okay, and just told him he could get me a glass of water and that would be it. Which he did. And continued to be a loud obnoxious drunk, just not directed squarely at me.

I had darts in my hand, and yet instead of telling him to back the fuck off, and allowing my teammate to be angry with him, I placated him. I'm angry with myself over this. But looking back I also spent the rest of the night worrying about what would happen when I left.

This is what it is to be female. You can't speak to a drunkard in a bar without worrying about upsetting him. You can't be angry or you're seen as flying off the handle. You can't simply go home by yourself without wondering if someone who took offense at being told off - or not spoken to placatingly enough - waiting for you.

I was fine, upset with myself for not threatening to stab him with my darts.