Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Giving up?

So I've had this goal in my life for my entire adulthood. It's something my Mother excelled at, that other people do all the time and seem to find easy, and logically it is, but I've just never been able to do it. I've struggled with it for years. I've tried to take it in baby steps, I've tried to go all in and immerse myself, I've tried scheduling it, and nothing works. I think I'm making progress, and then I just collapse and it was all for nothing.

Because I dwell on things, I've been feeling awful about it for years - everyone else can do this, why can't I? There's something wrong with me.

I had a bit of a breakthrough a few years ago about it, realizing I just need help. A weight lifted from my shoulders, and I shared the revelation with a close friend, thinking they would be happy for me to see I didn't have to hate myself anymore.

"I realize now after so many years of struggling, that I clearly can't do it myself, I just need help, I'm going to have someone help me," I say.

My friend replies "...or, you know, you could just do it yourself, it's not hard."

Weight back on shoulders. Even heavier now, because this was someone I thought would be supportive and instead has turned out the light at the end of this tunnel.

Just because you find something easy, doesn't mean someone else is lazy or stupid for not also finding it easy. (And by the way, that includes not dwelling on things - it's who I am, no amount of telling myself not to has ever made that go away.)

I was trying to find something that better explained how I feel about this, and I came across this article and most of these points (especially #7) are directly pertinent here.

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